I hear you...

Some songs poke your brain every time you listen to it as some memories are attached to it. There are times when you want to keep away from those memories but then the song reminds you of it now and then. It is worse when it is a new song you are addicted to. You will hear it everywhere; let it be in your playlist, your friend’s car, your driver's mobile ringtone, the hindi serial background song, the saloon you passing through Grrrr..

It was a shock when I heard it from my painter’s mobile. The busy painter was enjoying the song and brushing the wall where as I froze for a moment, closed my eyes, relish the moments, ran away from the moment, reminded myself to get back to real life :D

Cheers!!!

P.S. : Stop screaming the song into my ear. I hear you.. : : 

105 days to go..

Suddenly I get butterflies. 105 days to go for my wedding. It sounds so near and when I think other ways it feels so far. Today morning when I visited my wedding link it showed 105 days to go for “THE DAY”. I smiled and felt I should hurry up with preparation. Not much time is left.

Last time for my sister’s wedding my dad had to write down names on card all by himself. It was a big and time consuming task so this time I have decided to give him helping hand by typing the addresses and getting it printed.

Finally shopping date is finalised. I will be going to Calcutta for shopping on 17^th of April with my parents and sis adding to it my in-laws, RD and his brother. I guess it will be fun to shop together.

Calcutta will be extremely hot. I just hope the weather remain pleasant during our visit.

This time pre wedding days won’t be fun as my elder sister is already married and my cousin sisters do not have holidays during that time. It’s not fun when kids are not around.

I and RD have been planning our HM. When I look into the website about the top honeymoon destination, all it speaks about is beach, island, and mountains. These are not place I wanna go, I neither wanna go visit a place full of museums and churches. I just want our trip to be less tiring and more relaxing. Meanwhile explore the city, not like those lazy couple who would spend most of the days of their trip in doors (yaar mein buddhi toh nahi hogi to think all this?)

Excitement begins. It is like Sensex going through peek and trough.

P.S. Please visit our wedding link and leave few words in guestbook.

Troubled Mind

Sometime we open our heart to someone whom we think its worth and after some days we realised we did a blunder. Out heart trusts, hands moves front to firm a shake in order to build a new relation, arms open wide and we give them space close to our heart welcoming with a hug, a smile, a new dream, a new companion to walk with this journey of life.

At times we get so frustrated that we think its enough. No more new friends.

I have gone through similar stage. I felt, I've already many to take care plus I can't trust anyone anymore. Anyhow it doesn't stop there. Our soul is always in active mode searching for someone to be with. I wish at times we could live alone and need no one to depend on.

Through this phases of life which soaked me in so many drunken thoughts which made me realise the hangover will last forever. Someone whom we open our heart can give the most painful moments with heartaches and tearful eyes.

I still haven't forgotten the day i saw her for the first time. I was probably of 13 years old. The first time I saw her was in some party, pretty looking girl I ever saw. Blue dress with long lovely hair. I knew I wanted to be friend but I was the shy kid when it came to stranger. Somehow we met again after some years. Spend some time together and got to know each other better. I thought In spite of everything she is like me. She would understand who I really am. We would be good friends in future. We laughed together, cooked together and even hugged each other when the other was sad or felt home sick.

Those were great times. I even wrote poem on our friendship, describing her.

Days passed and instead of things turning from from good to better it went worse. I'm a girl who doesn't follow much ethics, I've my own norms and I believe in being practical, logical, do what I want to and let other people do what they want to. I don't understand why people have so many problems with other life. She was good, she never said anything. I even shared my personal space, my blog link with her. My own personal diary.

How much can you change yourself to exist in your society? For how long can you not be you cuz you know you have to accept some social factor which your heart doesn't wanna follow? My heart aches when I think of her. The day someone mentions or she turns up from somewhere my whole day gets disturbed. I think what did do wrong that our friendship took a turn. I am loyal to my friends. I take them seriously. But when I hate someone, I hate that person so much that I don't want to hear his/ her name either.

The good, bad memories flashes back but the pain in my heart are more than the smiles you gave to my lips. Its been more than a year but the memories are still so fresh no matter how hard I try to erase. I don't know when these pain will degrade.

I wish she doesn't follow me anymore. Don't read whats happening to me. Cuz I can never get back to her. Friendship brings smile not tears. It holds hands when we are shaky instead of leaving them to deserted, unknown land.

P.S. if there is any typos pls email me separately so that I can fix them..

Thanks readers.

Song of the day - Nothing on you By B.o.B. ft Bruno Mars

Escape..

Please do not go ahead if u dont want to read something that can be heavy for you

Cuz this post might change the direction of U to inverted U on your face. Later Dont blame me that I didn’t alert.

These are the thoughts that I have every now and then and probably comes in my mind more often maybe cause I have to visit the same place again and again and go through what I went through already in my past.

Why are memories so fresh?
Why can't I sleep without thinking of all those sudden twists in my life?
What if I knew what was going to happen,
What difference would it have made?

Why can't I forget what’s gone
Why do I treasure that's not worth a recall?
What if those angels were not there?
How would I be back on the track?

Why do I think so hard what would they have done for that ten hours of operation
Who would be outside the OPD, waiting long, filling forms, checking for updates.
I can't help thinking of those teary eyes and joint hands of my parents in prayers.
My sister in far away land, waiting for phone calls and praying to god.

Those nurses who took care of me day and night.
Those other scary patients in ICU who would anytime die.
Why did I deserve all this?
What wrong had I done in my past life

P.S. Right now all is fine. No need to convince me in any thing.. I m happy, I m fine.

He and me

Seven years back when we started with this relationship.Everything was so charming, wistful and incredible. We had long distance relationship for one year. This happened just when I agreed to get into a relationship. Everything has a way out and we surely had ours too, to get in touch. We overcame the distance with the weekend chats on internet. Come what may, we used to be online between 4 to 6. I was in hostel in B'lore then. All of us didn’t get outings. Sometimes I sneaked out, other times I added my name in exit form of others, many other times I even made up reasons like bank work, dentist check up (though I never visited one). The times we spent between 4 to 6 during weekends were the best days of our whole week. We used to die to see each other on cam. Later, when I used to recap the whole conversation in my mind, trying to read what he never said, recalling some of the  most romantic lines and then smile alone, happy, wandering absent minded.

I was least interested which girl friend of mine spoke to which guy, what happened in Boys school, who was wearing what for socials, what was the next assignment, when the dinner bell rang. I guess I had created a different world around me by then.

A call from him would be like a celebrity call. When he said my name I felt I was among those lakhs fans of Amitabh to get a personal signature on a piece of paper.

His cute face, innocent eyes, naughty, teasing smile had done all the magic and I was so crazy about him. I counted each day to pass by as soon as possible so that I would meet him again.

It was so difficult to get him on phone. We didn’t have mobile phones then (actually sounds like “Hamare jamane main” types). The fortunate day I got him on call I thought myself to be the luckiest girl for the day. Pura paisa wasool even though on ISD call :) Once I had called him, the next line he had said was "Thank God you called, I was so pissed because of my aunt. Now I will be all fine. I was so restless but now I found peace". I don’t know if he remembers he had told me so, but at that time and even today I think it is something that has a lot of significance.

Today when he called he was little pissed off. Some kinda Work pressure. I was waiting for his call since hours. He hardly spoke for 4 minutes and he hung up saying he had a bad mood and would prefer to be left alone. He is not a person who says so. Actually I am. When I am angry I choose to be alone, think about it for some time and forget it. No one on earth can console me when I have moodswings. I choose to be myself because at times you have to deal with your things and no one else can make it less (For him there is no word called I. I meant We, he and me). Knowing this side of me he was always there, ready to listen to 'Furious me', he being so 'calm and composed'. Today when I am still there, he chose to be alone. I don’t know why but it felt weird. Felt that the magic of 'my presence fading his sorrows' is fading away.

P.S - I know RD, it’s not like this.. maybe I am thinking too hard. I just felt like sharing.

I love you

My dairy – Moral of the story???

Had left house early when my flat mates disclosed what was in their mind. I went to the common room to comb my hair and i could see both my cousins in a little worried expression. I didn't have a direct eye contact but i saw in through the mirror. Since many days i had been disturb. Friendship wasn't working out. With me relationships has always been easy. I make good friends and they are happy i'm in their life. There are Ppl who were after my life to be friend. I remember my encounter with AKS. The first time he saw me he  knew that i should be his friend. I'd been avoiding him but his affection and caring nature left with no choice than being his friend. M so happy i chose to be his friend. He likes when i speak to him. His worries decreases cuz he knows m always there for him just a call away. I'd always been helping, caring and sweet person. My friends who are close to me says don't be so sweet and easy Ppl will hurt you, take advantage of you and turn you down,use you cuz you are so easy with everyone. You don't mind being hurt if other person is happy.
I'd been trying so hard to work out this friendship. But i think there are something which should be left when its in your hand. I tried, it didn't succeed. Why? For good? May be. . Its hard to digest how someone can have prob wit me.
Coming back to story with my cousins. They suggested me to move out of flat cuz there has been issue with food, no maid to cook and i dnt know much cooking. With what ever i know i always say i can give my helping hands.
I too noticed difference in behaviour. I smile they don't . I talk , they reply, they don't talk anything directly. Its better to stay alone than staying with someone who don't even make any conversation.
When she made the suggestion that its better i find the pg, i didn't react. There were lot of things in my head. She actually read my mind. Something pinched me. I got ready and left. I hadn't made my mind where would i go. I didn't have my lunch also. I'd tuition and 2 and it was 12.15. With no other option coming in my mind i  decided to go to tuition centre. I called my friend Niki. She didn't ans. She called me back in two mins and the min she spoke to me what happened i burst out in tears. I don't know why. We spoke about the issue. Attended class for two almost three hours. Last two hours what my teacher spoke i had no clue. All i did was write what he was dictating. Every thing sound so alien. I walked back to the lane to catch the taxi when  the tuition got over. I walked and i thought many things. I smile and same time i cried.  I couldn't find the guy who always accompanied me to walk down the lane. Today i walked alone. He caught my pace and walked with me and i saw him walking faster. I realised he wanted to smoke. I wanted to smoke too but it wasn't the right place. I just had a line conversation with him when i saw one of cousin nearing me. She asked if i was going home or somewhere else. I had no clue. Definitely I was hungry and i wanted to be alone rather than sitting with some with whom i don't have any conversation and just a weird feeling in heart. She is very caring, very sweet. On her i'd written a poem dedicated a post. Life was smooth when i wrote about a friend to be. But i guess some friendships and not meant to be.
I took a taxi sat, didn't wanted to go back to flat and sit alone in the deserted room. I went to mac d to eat. Made several call to enquire about pg and then bought a smoke to took a taxi back to flat. Half way. I ask the taxi to turn to crossword. I came here. I found peace. I'm writing this post rather than reading a novel that i laid my hand into its a book my ROBIN SHARMA who writes about who will cry when you die. The same author who wrote monk who sold his Ferrari. Read few pages later felt nice and came back to flat.

Aree yaar hota hai life main. sab ki din hote hain.. aaj mera kharab kal kisi aur ka. Life hai hi kamini.. Aish kar.. Dhan ta nan… ta nan ta nan.

ya fir gani chaniye. Goli mar bheje main. bheja shor karna hai. Dhicyaun :)

Back to Blog

Its amazing feeling to be back home. Bro was there to pick me up in the airport. We went to eat ice cream and pizza on the way back home. My dog, Buddy greeted me with lots of kisses and there my mom and sis were standing with smile and arms wide open. It was so so amazing to receive hugs, i badly was in need to it. My grand dad couldn't believe his eyes When he saw me. May be he didn't have a clue that i was coming. It was a sudden plan after all. I was feeling lost in Calcutta. I didn't have single close friend.

May be that's how life is. Not always perfect. Have to deal with all the phases and each phase teaches you something special. A reason to live life. A reason to struggle for something you don't know. Life is all about phases and phases is all about life. How to be bright when you low, how to handle excitement and surprises are the each levels of life. All the best with it.
I've come to conclusion how I can handle my mood when i am low. Here are some of my secrets to change my mood

1. talk to someone who is most of the time funny and whose talks makes You laugh. Positivity kills negativity right?
2. Listen to good music is loud volume for sometime so that you can't think of anything else not even your own thoughts .
3. Go out with bunch of friends and shop or eat or do something that makes you smile.
4. I love watching flights in sky. Its something that always bring smile on my face. So when 'm low you might find me looking at the sky to catch a glimpse of Aeroplane or if not, going for a drive to airport.
5. Read Cosmopolitan magazine.
6. Talk on phone with someone who won't make fun when you cry on phone. So if you have no way out let the being low phase out of your body crying for once and for all helps.
7. Watch a nice movie.
8. Drink, get high, yell and get over with it for once and for all. If you are not a yelling kinda person you can stay calm, composite and go to bed of coarse to sleep.

I have jotted down 8 points. Now its your turn to share some secrets. What do you do to change your mood when You are low?

P.S. I just reached Kolkata today. Got headache and feeling pathetic.

Light and then Shadow

i have a long day tomorrow. 2 hours of physio and then one hour break to have lunch and reach my tuition centre. 2 or 3 hours of at-a-stretch studies. God now i think we were brave  enough to sit in class for more than 4 hours at a stretch in college and school time (haan though i was big time bunker, mostly bunked first class to sleep more) i managed my attendance :)

That tuition sir is way too fast so i have decided to go through the study material once before his class and then again go through it after the class. Thank god its only twice a  week (that too on weekend :(  )

Saturday seems so long. Didn’t have a good Friday too. Less people to be close with, Where are all my friends gone???

Strangers smile at least but people who know you don’t even tend to smile. A smile is such a nice thing, a hugs much more miraculous. But where are all the miracles gone? Why some people liked not to be hugged ( i mean whom we know like cousins. friends).

A chatter box stays mum. Yuck so not me.

To be away from what makes me feels so dead and lonely i went to crossword (the book store) directly after my Physio. No maid to cook, so no lunch at home. since My cousins who i stay in flat with had plan to shop and eat outside i was left with no other options than eating out in hospital mess. I could eat in a better place too but didn't have energy to walk or travel again to find a restaurant (and eating alone sucks) so long times missed Idly Sambar in hospital mess :)  :)   me likes.

I remember crossword in Blore, they played only instrumental music. I think that's the best option in a place where books are read so that it doesn't distract you and meanwhile doesn't bore the staff or the window shopper.

I went to this crossword ( in calcutta, as in where i am put up right now) picked up the same novel that i have been reading (eleven minutes) and sat to read.. guess the music track they played!!!!

I can be your hero baby, waiting for tonight, backstreet back????  are they back !!! lol..  it sucked, i could hardly concentrate on what i was reading. reading those 15 pages took me more than an hour. eww.. I felt like reporting spam! :D. any ways, read some pages felt nice, didn't wanted to listen to music still tapped my foot during Hero and left the place with a smile and promised myself to come next time not in taxi but my walking. (as i haven't been going for morning walk. it’s too hot during dawn too :|  i know making excuse is easy and sticking to goal is tough

i came home, and started crying.. i don't like being here!! A phase, i know, this too will pass by with better tomorrow. It better be better

Weird mood

 Teardrops in my eyes

Its like before sleeping you have a talk on phone with your best buddy. Some words hurt you and you don't feel nice about it, still you don't let him know. Suddenly there is restlessness to hang up the call. You want to talk no more. You go to bed and you realise you aren't in good mood. Something upsetting and sad happened but you can't figure out what exactly screwed your mood. You want to sleep but zillions of thoughts provoke your mind. You keep turning back the cell phone and see what time is and its surprising to realise the passes by either too slowly or too quickly. Its hard to pass the night and you wish its dawn soon. With wet eyelashes and thoughts of good and bad times you at last fall asleep. Next morning nothing is in your head but you aren't happy. Its difficult to understand if you want to be sad, you should be sad, or you sad of what happen last night or you sad for no reason. You mate calls up and you answer his call but talk in low pitch. What happen he says and you are quiet with  no answers to yourself .