This and That

Once again I'm in a phase where I trusted people and they turned me down. I gave out my hand for friendship with smile and they stabbed me and left me with tears. I wish I could be as cold as those chilly nights, I at times wish I would be able to change my colours. i.e. be indifferent when needed, be tearless when I might be I position to shatter anytime. Being with people and not talking to them is more difficult than being alone. I find peace when I’m alone. I wasn't like this until I meet people whose presence disturbs me.

Thanks to “No Reservation” movie which helped me divert my mind for two hours. It took me to different world.

Thank to that company who discovered ready to eat food or else I would have died to hunger last night.

Bad phase comes at once in a row, one after another at times. My family is going through bad times and so I’m. Plz pray things would be different tomorrow. I don't like my lonely teary side. I like when I smile at silly Sardar joke. I like it when a hip hop song plays and all I droll over that song and sing to it and dance. Dance.. I miss dancing. But I never give up dancing in my thoughts.

Badly wanna watch movie called Newyork. Badly wanna hug mom when I wake up in morning or after a nap in afternoon. I miss Manali, Sonal, Sonika for that reason. They know how I used to hug them after I woke up when hardly could open my eyes. They are my pg friends. Sonal's chubby buddy always felt so nice to embrace. Sonika she is perfume freak. I loved hugging her cuz she always smell gorgeous.. And I kept asking now which perfume did your bf gift you. And Manali ... She is darling.

I'm still looking for guitar classes in Calcutta . I know I've not been trying so hard. But it case you guys have any contacts or any friend in cal Plz ask them to enquire for me.

I read newspaper in cab these days while going for physio and today I asked for newspaper to my cousin and she said its outside. I picked it up and started reading until I realised it’s of Thursday. :-( x( dhuuuu

Light and then Shadow

i have a long day tomorrow. 2 hours of physio and then one hour break to have lunch and reach my tuition centre. 2 or 3 hours of at-a-stretch studies. God now i think we were brave  enough to sit in class for more than 4 hours at a stretch in college and school time (haan though i was big time bunker, mostly bunked first class to sleep more) i managed my attendance :)

That tuition sir is way too fast so i have decided to go through the study material once before his class and then again go through it after the class. Thank god its only twice a  week (that too on weekend :(  )

Saturday seems so long. Didn’t have a good Friday too. Less people to be close with, Where are all my friends gone???

Strangers smile at least but people who know you don’t even tend to smile. A smile is such a nice thing, a hugs much more miraculous. But where are all the miracles gone? Why some people liked not to be hugged ( i mean whom we know like cousins. friends).

A chatter box stays mum. Yuck so not me.

To be away from what makes me feels so dead and lonely i went to crossword (the book store) directly after my Physio. No maid to cook, so no lunch at home. since My cousins who i stay in flat with had plan to shop and eat outside i was left with no other options than eating out in hospital mess. I could eat in a better place too but didn't have energy to walk or travel again to find a restaurant (and eating alone sucks) so long times missed Idly Sambar in hospital mess :)  :)   me likes.

I remember crossword in Blore, they played only instrumental music. I think that's the best option in a place where books are read so that it doesn't distract you and meanwhile doesn't bore the staff or the window shopper.

I went to this crossword ( in calcutta, as in where i am put up right now) picked up the same novel that i have been reading (eleven minutes) and sat to read.. guess the music track they played!!!!

I can be your hero baby, waiting for tonight, backstreet back????  are they back !!! lol..  it sucked, i could hardly concentrate on what i was reading. reading those 15 pages took me more than an hour. eww.. I felt like reporting spam! :D. any ways, read some pages felt nice, didn't wanted to listen to music still tapped my foot during Hero and left the place with a smile and promised myself to come next time not in taxi but my walking. (as i haven't been going for morning walk. it’s too hot during dawn too :|  i know making excuse is easy and sticking to goal is tough

i came home, and started crying.. i don't like being here!! A phase, i know, this too will pass by with better tomorrow. It better be better

IT feels bad, so???

When you come home after a tiring day and no one smiles at you or even ask how was your day, it feels bad.

When you come back from office, one of your family member opens the door knowing its you and not even look at your face to greet you, it feels bad.

 

So what to be done???

Life, a Roller Coaster

I stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and i noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but once it starts, they are terrified and wants the cars to stop.

Excitement is something which always pulls everyone towards it, but it’s we to decide if we can risk our life for that excitement. Every day should be different. What’s the use of life if everything goes like any other day. We have short life and we got to leave it the fullest.

What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn’t they be prepared to go the whole way??

I took a course which sounds tough. CFA, you guys might have heard, sounds great when its elaborated, i.e.Chartered Financial Analyst. International degree by America, a recognised degree whole wide, which when clear will make the future. After all in today’s economic scenario earning bucks isn't easy specially for the new comers. We choose something for us, we make a goal for ourselves but do we really stick to it?? It’s easy to say then to do. Best is we should be positive. Don’t let your will power die. Greatest thing in world is will power. If you have will power the toughest goal is small and easy. One thing I learnt from RD is don't judge things so easily. We shouldn’t set back thinking that the path is too muddy and we will never get there. AT least try how much every you can so that at the end you can say you gave your best.

Life isn’t a carousel going round and round. Ups and down are part of life. We should be strong during bad phase. Best way to do is let not the difficult elements like emotions, pain, excuse overtake your will power. My dad says bend your leg till it hurts.Don’t let the pain win your confidence in you. You are stronger and not the pain. Once you prove the pain that you don’t feel anything, pain itself will feel like a big looser and leave you. He was right. Today morning when I got up for morning walk I felt pain in my leg. I didn't think about the pain much and told myself--  I M STRONGER THAN YOU and managed my morning walk. I felt great. I felt positive.

If we take things positive, life will be much easier. If there is a way to make life easy why not do it from NOW?

(first three coloured lines are extract of Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho)

P.s. read something very thought provoking in Eleven Minutes and would like to share it with you guys..

 If you feel depressed think this way – think that you have fallen asleep in the rollercoaster. What would you fell?? Trapped and sick, terrified with every bend and wanting to get off. Would you stay in that car through out the night and wait for someone to come and help you out??? Rollercoaster is like a machine which is operated by God. The track of the roller coaster is our destiny and till the time we are in the roller coaster (which is our destiny) we should enjoy the landscapes and surrounding, enjoy every ups and downs to the fullest till the car comes to the stop (till our last breath)

Modern Dadaji

I got up cause some rays of light were penetrating my eyes. This time i didn't crib.i woke up with smile on my face. Day break! I always long to see day break but i never woke up in that time.  The best way to celebrate day break is with a cup of tea and lounge music. It drugs the soul,  takes it to different universe. 

Coming back to my story, i got up and went to balcony directly. I heard bird chirping and many pigeons in the ground far away. Perhaps having their breakfast :-D i saw my cousin Dadaji (lol thank god cousin husband nahi hote :P) taking rounds in the compound. seeing Dadaji so enthu early morning made be take one more step i.e. going for a walk. I got back to my room put on my flint shoes and went down for a walk with a new novel of Paulo Coelho called eleven minutes in my hand. All excited to read as i finished his another novel Veronica decides to die. Dadaji was shock to see me at 5 30 in morning as in his book i never got up before twelve.  There were so many old people all Dadajis in the park, he introduced me to some as they never saw be before in the colony. The question started pouring in what happen to my leg. With least interest i replied , “just an accident, treatment is going on I'll be fine”. After a huge one big round of the colony with Dadaji i decided to sit in swing and read the first page of Eleven minutes. In some distance Dadaji was talking to some old man and telling them about me what happened how it happened. Then a new old man came and sat beside me in the swing with my permission. He spoke in English. Old people sound awesome and smart when they talk good English i swear. He asked some general question which followed with his introduction as a well renowned poet. Impressive. As he was talking in English i was very curious to know how much had he studied. “Graduated”, he said with a power of dignity. He asked me my age and if I'll be fine in long fun. And what does my dad do. Tea factory hain hamara. Impressive. He said, “there is a friend of mine in Mumbai his son is working in some security office( nt night watchman ya dhuuu), and looking for beautiful girl to get married who is also educated.”

 

Umm a a a a i was getting ideas to what he had in his mine. He said, “if you don't mind what might be your dad ready to spend ( his budget for my marriage )” gwad what a direct man to gal talk. I said i don't know anything about budget and all. Truly i hate his topic and i feel embarrassed that they spend so much in marriage. I got up to leave as he hoped that sometime I along with my cousin would come down to his house to read his poem. Hindi poem. I've never read Hindi in my life.

I cant unlove you

Postcards and letters
And pictures made to last forever
To be boxed up and tossed away
Knickknacks and souvenirs
In an afternoon, they're out of here
They'll disappear without a trace
But what they mean to me
Can never be replaced

I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
I'm finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
Intestates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself it's meant to be this way
No matter how I try somethings I can't change

I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
I'm finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, oh
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you

Song by Kenny Roger

click here to downlaod this song

	Kenny Rogers - I Can't Unlove You
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Weird mood

 Teardrops in my eyes

Its like before sleeping you have a talk on phone with your best buddy. Some words hurt you and you don't feel nice about it, still you don't let him know. Suddenly there is restlessness to hang up the call. You want to talk no more. You go to bed and you realise you aren't in good mood. Something upsetting and sad happened but you can't figure out what exactly screwed your mood. You want to sleep but zillions of thoughts provoke your mind. You keep turning back the cell phone and see what time is and its surprising to realise the passes by either too slowly or too quickly. Its hard to pass the night and you wish its dawn soon. With wet eyelashes and thoughts of good and bad times you at last fall asleep. Next morning nothing is in your head but you aren't happy. Its difficult to understand if you want to be sad, you should be sad, or you sad of what happen last night or you sad for no reason. You mate calls up and you answer his call but talk in low pitch. What happen he says and you are quiet with  no answers to yourself .